Who Are You?

I had a very emotive conversation with a good friend the other day which has grounded my construct of who I am.  I understood and totally agreed with the directional guidance and empathy that was bestowed on me.

My experience of life in the Western world is there seems to be an emphasis on achievement and modes of behaviour.  Throughout life we place different identities upon ourselves that position us into sub groups within our society and we do this so that others can get a view of who we are and what we are about.  From the beginning of our lives into adulthood we pass through many of these opinions of who we are, but when do we really get to understand who we are?  We are encouraged to compare ourselves to others even when we face a traumatic time in our lives the saying comes out “There are worse people out there than you, you should be grateful”.  You should not compare yourself to others, what is important is what is happening within you. We can get confused to know what is our true essence, with all the excess baggage that is placed on us by others and through our own inability to let go of negative emotions.

To be healthy your body is in balance but when an imbalance occurs then your body is at dis-ease and this can manifest as a physical illness, but what causes it is never straightforward.  It has been stated that healthy bodies develop cancerous cells but they are able to eliminate them, but when a body is at dis-ease then the system to eliminate them is blocked.  Throughout my life I have strived to follow a healthy lifestyle so it was a shock to discover I had cancer.  So am I to blame for my illness? I think most of us will experience emotional hurt in our lives, it may be just one or two events that caused pain or grief and we were not able to express this or to let it go and this in time will have an effect on our physical wellbeing.  Or perhaps a stagnation of “life force energy” has caused the dis-ease. There are also environmental influences that cause a strain on the body’s ability to keep a healthy balance. Even within our food chain we are exposed to carcinogenic compounds.  When you reach a point in your life when you are confronted with a life limiting disease then it becomes time to examine what it is that is blocking your existence.  So it is at this crucial time when you are faced with the opportunity to really transform your sense of who you are and discover your true essence. To achieve this you need to trust and have faith to become the healer within to bring back harmony in your emotional, physical and mental levels and to become responsible for your thoughts and actions.

When I was first diagnosed with Lobular Breast Cancer in June 2005 it was also at a time when I was challenged with a lot of negative energy at work caused by a change in management.  I felt that the new Acting Manager was blocking the development in my career by denying me opportunities to progress. This was stifling my creative energy; I could feel it so strong.  So the serious illness gave me a reason to get out of the situation. I started to make changes in my life, I allowed myself to see the beauty in the simplest things around me, I started to de-clutter my life.  I allowed my creativity to develop in my dancing, photography and study.  When I was told in February 2010 that the Lobular Breast Cancer had now spread to my bones and there was no cure only careful management to slow the progression down.  I was trying to get my head around it and said to my daughter, “Its in my spine, my back bone the whole support of my body, I am trying to make changes in my life, what is this illness telling me?” She replied, “Your back bone is your strength, you have to believe in yourself!”

Having a serious illness can consume who you are and it is so easy to lose direction as you are undergoing tests and treatments at the hospital and dealing with the physical side effects of these treatments you become this person with terminal cancer.  But, as my good friend enlightened me, I was reminded not to become the illness, I am not the cancer, I am who I am.


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